A eulogy is a short speech about the person who died, given at the funeral or memorial service. To write one, find out how long you have (usually three to five minutes, about 400 to 650 spoken words), gather stories from people who knew them, and choose two or three qualities you can show with one story each. Open by saying who you are, close by saying goodbye, and write it the way you talk. Then read it aloud until you can get through it.
What a eulogy is, and isn't
The word comes from the Greek eulogia, meaning praise, or literally "good words." A eulogy is spoken, personal and short, and easy to confuse with the other writing that surrounds a death.
| Piece | Usually from | What it is |
|---|---|---|
| PieceEulogy | Usually fromA family member or friend | What it isA spoken portrait of the person, built on stories |
| PieceObituary | Usually fromThe family, often with the funeral home | What it isA published notice: dates, family, service details |
| PieceHomily or sermon | Usually fromClergy | What it isA reflection on the readings and the faith |
| PieceWords of remembrance | Usually fromOne family member or friend | What it isA brief tribute where the rite has no eulogy |
| PieceElegy | Usually fromA poet | What it isA poem of mourning |
The obituary carries the facts. That frees the eulogy to make the person present for a few minutes. If you are writing both, see how to write an obituary.
How long a eulogy should be
Ask first: the funeral director, officiant or celebrant sets the schedule. Without other guidance, three to five minutes is the usual range when two or three people speak, and five to ten when you are the only one.
To turn minutes into words, plan on about 130 words a minute. Conversation runs faster, closer to 150, but a eulogy is read slowly, with pauses, and sometimes with a breath you didn't plan.
| Speaking time | About this many words | Typical when |
|---|---|---|
| Speaking time2 minutes | About this many words250–300 | Typical whenWords of remembrance, or one of many speakers |
| Speaking time3 minutes | About this many words400 | Typical whenOne of several speakers |
| Speaking time5 minutes | About this many words650 | Typical whenThe main eulogy at most services |
| Speaking time7 minutes | About this many words900 | Typical whenYou are the only speaker |
| Speaking time10 minutes | About this many words1,300 | Typical whenA long service with one eulogist |
Write to a minute under your limit. A draft that runs exactly five minutes at the kitchen table will run six at the lectern.
Gather memories before you write
Don't open a blank page and wait for sentences. Spend an hour collecting raw material first: phrases, scenes, the things they always said, as a list in no order. These questions shake loose the details that belong to one particular person:
- What did they say so often that the family can finish the sentence?
- What did their hands do? A trade, a garden, a recipe, an engine, a crossword in pen.
- What did a Saturday morning look like in their house?
- Who did they help without telling anyone?
- Which story gets told at every family gathering?
- What were they stubborn about?
Then ask other people. Their oldest friend, a coworker of twenty years and the youngest grandchild each knew a different person. A short, specific message gets better answers than a request for "memories."
I'm writing Dad's eulogy for Saturday. If you have one story about him you'd want told, or something he always said, could you send it to me by Wednesday? A few lines is plenty. I may not use everything, but I'll read all of it.
Keep it all in one document, and check the facts you'll mention: the name they went by, the spelling of their hometown, a grandchild's partner's name. A wrong name stands out at a funeral.
Choose a thread and stories
The most common weak eulogy is a spoken résumé: born here, worked there, retired, loved golf. The next is a list of virtues: kind, generous, funny, devoted. Both are true and neither is memorable, because nothing in them belongs only to this person.
Instead, look through your notes for a thread: one quality, habit or phrase that runs through many of the stories. Pick two or three stories that show it. This is show, don't tell applied to a person: let the listener reach "devoted" on their own.
Telling: Grandpa was a hard worker who loved his family and would do anything for anyone.
Showing: Grandpa opened the bakery at five every morning for thirty-one years. The summer I was nine, he let me shape the dinner rolls, and he sold every lopsided one at full price. He told the customers they were a limited edition.
Small stories beat big ones. If the thread is a phrase they used, bring it back at the end. Like a motif in a novel, a line heard twice ties the speech together.
A simple eulogy structure
Five parts fit almost any eulogy, religious or secular. Here is how the time divides in a five-minute version.
| Part | Time | What it does |
|---|---|---|
| PartOpening | Time30 seconds | What it doesWho you are, and one image of the person |
| PartTheir life in brief | Time45 seconds | What it doesThe few facts that give the stories context |
| PartTwo or three stories | Time2½–3 minutes | What it doesThe qualities, each shown by a story |
| PartWhat they leave | Time45 seconds | What it doesWhat you and others carry forward |
| PartGoodbye | Time15–20 seconds | What it doesA last line, often spoken to them directly |
The opening
Say who you are and how you knew them, even if most of the room knows. Then go straight to the person. Skip the dictionary definition of a eulogy and the apology for being a nervous speaker. The room is entirely on your side.
Good morning. I'm Daniel, Margaret's younger son. If you ever visited Mom's house, you know there was always a pot of coffee on, and a second pot behind it in case someone else dropped by. That second pot was my mother in a sentence. She was always expecting one more person, and she always had room.
The middle
Give each story a line of setup, the scene itself, and a sentence that turns it toward the person: "That was Mom. Nobody left her house hungry, including the man who came to read the gas meter." Order them by time, or put the lighter stories first and the one that matters most last.
The ending
Pull back to what the person leaves behind: a habit you've inherited, something they taught. Then say goodbye, to them directly or by returning to the image you opened with. A quotation is optional, and two lines is plenty. Christina Rossetti's sonnet "Remember" (1862) ends with a couplet that suits a closing:
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
Mom, we'll keep the second pot on. Thank you for always having room for us.
For complete eulogies in this shape, for a mother, a father, a grandparent and a friend, read these eulogy examples, or fill in the eulogy template section by section.
Balancing grief and humor
People laugh at funerals, and it does them good. A eulogy that stays solemn throughout can sound less like the person than one that lets the room laugh once or twice. The test for a funny story is simple. Would they have laughed at it? Would their closest family be glad to hear it told in public? If both answers are yes, keep it.
Humor works best inside a story, followed by a turn back to what the story shows. The laugh lets the room breathe, and the turn brings it back.
Aunt Ruth did not believe in GPS. She navigated by landmarks, most of which had been gone for decades: "Left where the drive-in used to be, then right after the old feed store." We got lost with her a great deal. But we were never lost alone, and she always found a diner on the way home. She made getting lost feel like part of the plan.
Some things don't belong in a eulogy, however true they are:
- Inside jokes that need explaining or only land with three people in the room.
- Stories that would embarrass the person, their partner or their children.
- Family disputes, former partners and money.
- Detail about the illness or the cause of death, unless the family wants it acknowledged. Even then, a sentence is enough.
- Stories that are more about you than about them.
Your tone can follow theirs. A eulogy for a quiet, formal man can be quiet and formal.
When the relationship was complicated
You don't have to pretend. Speak about what was true and good, acknowledge the rest in a sentence if you need to ("He wasn't an easy man, and he'd have told you so himself"), and leave the reckoning for another day. If you can't find enough you can say honestly, it is fine to ask someone else to speak.
When you didn't know them well
Clergy, colleagues and in-laws are often asked to speak about someone they knew only in part. Say so at the start ("I knew Carla for six years, as her manager"), then lean on the family's stories and credit them: "Her brother Mike told me that…" Ask the family to read your draft before the service.
From first draft to the lectern
Most people have only a few days. This order keeps the work small.
- Get the details from the organizer
Ask how long you have, where you fall in the service, who else is speaking and whether there is a microphone. If others speak, agree who covers what, so three people don't tell the same fishing story.
- Collect memories and choose the stories
Make your list, message a few people who knew other sides of the person, then pick the thread and two or three stories.
- Write a fast first draft
Opening, life in brief, stories, what they leave, goodbye. Don't polish anything until all five parts exist.
- Read it aloud, time it and cut
Aim for a minute under your limit. Cut the life summary before you cut a story.
- Show it to one person close to the family
They will catch a wrong name, a story the family would rather keep private, or a stretch that drifts away from the person.
- Print it and rehearse
Read it aloud three or four times, once standing up and once to another person. Rehearsal gets you through the hardest lines.
Write it for the ear
A eulogy is heard once, by people who are tired and grieving.
- Keep sentences short. If you run out of breath reading one aloud, split it.
- Use names more often than feels natural. "He" is clear in print and confusing in a story with three men in it.
- Cut parentheses and asides. Listeners can't hear the brackets.
- Use the person's own words. If she called it "the parlor," so do you.
If writing feels impossible, talk instead. Tell the stories into a voice memo, then type up what you said. The draft will sound like speech because it was.
On the day
Read it. Nobody expects a eulogy from memory, and paper saves you when emotion knocks you off your place. Print it in 16 or 18 point type, double-spaced, with page numbers, and end each page at the end of a paragraph. A phone can dim, lock or light up with a message halfway through a story.
At the lectern, bring the microphone to the level of your mouth and take one full breath before the first word. Speak more slowly than feels right. If your voice breaks, stop, sip some water and start the sentence again. A pause feels far longer to you than to the room.
Mistakes to avoid
Do
- Ask how long you have, and come in under it
- Say who you are in the first sentence
- Show each quality with one specific story
- Check names, dates and spellings with the family
- Read from large-print pages, and rehearse aloud
Avoid
- Reading the obituary aloud as a list of dates
- Opening with an apology or a dictionary definition
- Listing virtues without a single example
- Inside jokes, old grievances and medical detail
- Memorizing it, or reading it from a phone
Frequently asked questions
How long should a eulogy be?
Three to five minutes is typical when several people speak, and five to ten when you are the only speaker. At about 130 words a minute, five minutes is roughly 650 words. Ask the funeral director or officiant, who sets the schedule.
What if I cry while giving the eulogy?
Pause, breathe, take a sip of water and start the sentence again. The room will wait. Give a copy to the officiant or a friend beforehand so they can finish it for you if you need them to.
Should a eulogy mention how the person died?
Usually only briefly, if at all. A eulogy is about how they lived. If the family wants the illness or the circumstances acknowledged, a sentence is enough. Ask them before you include it.
